Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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