You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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