okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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