i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
