I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
