You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Thank you for not boning my boss.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
