if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
