You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
