I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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