chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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