you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
