I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize