I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
