apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
