if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
