My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize