i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
