I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'm just crazy horny about you
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
