I wanna passion pit in your ass
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
