i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Who wears a wallet chain?!
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Randomize
