take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
