the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Found the puke drawer
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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