I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
