just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
