I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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