think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
