Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize