So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
