I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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