no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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