you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize