I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
