I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
