so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
