I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
