I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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