I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
