I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize