I am puke
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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