i just wanna soil my oats bro
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
