i wish there were pregnant emoticons
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
splinters make it hard to masturbate
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
