I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
