I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
