I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
