One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
