im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
