that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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