Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
