turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
