Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
not ubering you a puppy
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
