hell yes lets make some ravioli
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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