Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
