my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
