im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
There's always time for handjobs
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
