I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
